


Four Times Night Vale Made Cecil and Carlos have Sex (And One Time It Didn't)

by Flamebyrd



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Dubious Consent, Five Times, Fuck Or Die, Humor, M/M, Sex Pollen, canon-typical weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-12-21 11:15:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamebyrd/pseuds/Flamebyrd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As described on box. Do not be concerned by anything else the box says. It lies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Times Night Vale Made Cecil and Carlos have Sex (And One Time It Didn't)

**Author's Note:**

> For my [Trope Bingo](http://trope-bingo.dreamwidth.org) square: 'fuck or die'. Consent warning because of the nature of the trope, but there is no actual smut in this story.

Somebody is knocking urgently on the door to the lab, and the whole building shudders and sighs in appreciation. Carlos puts his safety glasses aside and blinks, fighting the urge to rub at his eyes (in a lab, this is a mistake you only make once, particularly in Night Vale). 

He cracks opens the door without bothering to use the peephole. Experience has taught him it has a 50% chance of showing him reality, 36% of showing him nothing but static, 12% of blurring the visitor to unrecognisability, and 2% of showing him an approaching army dressed in black armour under a blood red sky. 

Cecil is standing on the other side of the door, shifting nervously.

Carlos unchains the door and opens it properly. "Cecil? I.... was I expecting you? Did we have a date? Is something wrong?"

"It's our three month anniversary!" says Cecil, with uncharacteristic urgency.

"Oh," says Carlos. "I'm so sorry, I'm so terrible with dates, and I've been busy with this owl thing, I didn't mean to--"

Cecil's not quite a smile has gained that slightly bemused but indulgent twist that means he thinks Carlos has said something weird again. "The city bylaws require that all couples have sex on their three month anniversary, on pain of death."

Carlos blinks.

"It's part of the council's proactive stance to discourage green card marriages," Cecil continues proudly.

A slew of questions run through his mind, but he doesn't try to vocalise any of them. Cecil has a severe lack of tolerance for questions with obvious answers.

Besides, Cecil is leading him towards the cot in the far corner of the lab and is making short work of Carlos' shirt.

\--

For their next date Carlos suggests they go out for a movie, which Cecil seems to find unusual and interesting as a choice for a date. Carlos had merely been trying to suggest something normal for a change. 

It wasn't that he hadn't _enjoyed_ their forays into Night Vale's dining offerings, or the evening spent in the desert counting flying saucers whilst avoiding... something, or the roadtrip along a highway that never seemed to end (they hadn't turned around, but somehow by the time Cecil suggested they go home, Night Vale's exit was in 5 miles).

The movie consists of two hours of a time lapse camera pointed at a rotting apple, and half an hour of the sun slowly setting over the ocean. Afterwards Cecil waxes lyrical about the depth of storytelling and the twist ending. 

As they leave the theatre, Carlos' vision turns blurry and pink around the edges, like he's in a romantically photoshopped portrait photograph. His attention is caught by a figure across the street and he steps towards it, which is when Cecil grabs his arm, pulls him into an alley and starts taking his pants off. 

"Wha--" Carlos chokes out. 

"The succubus won't bother us if we're already having sex," says Cecil, like it's obvious. "They're pretty common around here. I think they like popcorn." 

\--

Carlos finds a pretty flower growing in the desert and brings it back to his lab for identification.  
This turns out to be a mistake when he gets a nose full of pollen and suddenly develops a problem in the crotch area of his pants.

After a couple of attempts at self resolution, he calls Cecil. When he gets Cecil's voicemail, he groans, because of course Cecil is broadcasting right now.

"I'm calling for... Personal reasons. I need to come... I mean, I need YOU to come... Here... I think I touched something I shouldn't..."

After a moment's reflection, he sends a one-handed text that politely requests that Cecil not play that one over the radio.

Sometime thereafter, Carlos isn't exactly sure how long, Cecil is in the lab, shaking Carlos gently. "Who did you run afoul of? Is it the Sheriff's Secret Police? The hooded figures?"

Carlos tries to indicate in the direction of the flower, but it's becoming difficult to think.

"Oh," says Cecil, after a moment. "Sex pollen? That's not actually forbidden by the council, you don't need to worry." 

Carlos moans. 

Cecil leans over and kisses him gently. "Let me help you with that."

\--

"The aliens say they picked up my radio program from outer space!" says Cecil proudly.

Carlos rubs his eyes. The spotlights from the UFO hovering next to what used to be Cecil's exterior wall are blinding. He mumbles something that he hopes sounds positive.

"They also said we have to have sex or they'll kill us."

Carlos sits up. "Why?"

It's not that Cecil isn't given to curiosity, it just seems the instinct to question orders was beaten out of him at an early age. He appears to find the question boggling. "Perhaps they find the weight of their own existence and self-hatred so heavy that they can only find joy through the copulation of others?"

"Maybe they want to study us?"

Cecil dismisses this detail as irrelevant. "I've already checked and the ban on sexual intercourse between the hours of 0237 and 0428 is overridden in the case of requests from extraterrestrial beings."

"Umm," says Carlos. "Are there any requirements for position?"

Cecil looks worried. "The aliens didn't say. Do you think I should ask?"

Carlos pulls Cecil down until they're lying side by side. "No," he says. "I'm sure it's fine."

\--

_I've just received a community service announcement. In order to curb a recent outbreak of bats, the Sheriff's Secret Police are enforcing a complete ban on all sexual activity until further notice. Sexual activity is defined as thoughts of and participation in any kind of sexual act, including solo._

_We remind you again to assist the Sheriff's Secret Police in protecting our town by ensuring all curtains and blinds are left open, and background noise in your residence is kept to a minimum._

_Well, listeners, I don't know about you, but that's certainly going to put a damper on my plans for tonight. However, I'm sure you'll agree that if it's to keep our town safe, it's the right thing to do. So keep your curtains open and calm those urges, listeners!_

_And now, a word from our sponsors._

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow I keep choosing lines in Trope Bingo that include squares I am not comfortable playing straight. 
> 
> Thank you to everybody in #yuletide who helped me brainstorm this, particularly **sleepfighter** for the trigger for the last one, and also to **Measured_Words** for the beta.


End file.
